i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
