u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
