new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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