Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I need to calm my uterus...
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
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