Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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