Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
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