I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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