just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
