Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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