I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
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