So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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