i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
