Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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