Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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