My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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