She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
