The maid of honor just puked.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
