singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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