Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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