i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
