My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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