Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
