i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
This house was built for laser tag.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
