What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
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