hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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