but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
