I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
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