Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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