I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices