he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Still dying that you shit outside
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
