I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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