Four minutes until I can fart!
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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