Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
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