God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
