He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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