it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
