I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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