based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
