Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Randomize
