You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
