Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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