I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
