Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Randomize
