'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
