Pants 0. Shit 1.
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Randomize
