Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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