WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
