I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
