We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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