I am in a vortex of obligation.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
