Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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