What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
