C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
