it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
