I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
i think i just lost a toe
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
