there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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