you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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