does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
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Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
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The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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