i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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