Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
