meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
