People in love make me want to vomit
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
