dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
